Aren’t we all

Posted in little note for today, My Precious one on March 13, 2017 by enybodyhome

Kita semua mahluk – mahluk kesepian

Yang punya lubang hitam besar menganga di dada

Yang tak pernah tahu bagaimana mengisinya

Yang tak pernah tahu bagaimana menutupinya

 

Kita semua mahluk – mahluk kesepian

Yang mencari, dan tak berhenti mencari

Satu makna supaya berarti

Yang berlari, dan tak pernah berhenti berlari

Memburu makna agar berarti

 

Kita semua mahluk – mahluk kesepian

Yang memakai topeng di keramaian

Agar terlihat memiliki kekuatan

Agar terlihat punya pedoman

Di dalam, kita meringis ketakutan

 

Kita semua mahluk – mahluk kesepian

Bertanya satu sama lain

Meragukan satu sama lain

Mencurigai satu sama lain

Dan berakhir sendirian

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Kita semua mahluk – mahluk kesepian

Tak punya pegangan

Tak punya pijakan

Hanya khayalan

From the desk of a depressed maniac, 2017

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Bisa

Posted in Uncategorized on February 23, 2017 by enybodyhome

Raped. Stabbed. Hit. Fucked. Betrayed. Thrown away. Left behind. Ruined. Destroyed. Yelled. Scolded. Thrown to the street. Dumped like a garbage. Terrorized. Molested.  Underestimated. Insulted. 
Apaan yg gue belom pernah?

Almost nothing.
Dan mau jatoh sedalam apapun

Mau terkapar separah apapun

Mau luka fisik maupun mental
Ga ada yang bisa bikin gue kalah dan nyerah
I will survive i promise you.

Un-happy ending

Posted in Uncategorized on February 20, 2017 by enybodyhome

I dont believe in happy ending. Probably thats why, i dont like fairy tale stories like korean drama, twilight saga, or any kind of romantic  movies come from nicholas sparks novel.

My life has taught me, theres no such thing called happy ending. Thats why everytime i feel happy or too happy, theres some sense of alarm inside me remind myself not to be too happy. Because, no. You can not be happy. Thats not the ending. After the happiness that you are feeling, there will come sadness. It follows your happiness. No happiness will last forever, it has to be replaced with sadness soon or later. Eventually

I dont believe in happy ending. Thats why i grow up to be a cynical person who barely believes in love between man and woman. Just like happiness, there is no forever in the word love. It will eventually fade, end and gone. But thats what good from this part. Since its not forever, it will be replaced with a new love. So never tell that you couldnt live without someone.. you could. You’ll love again. Not just because your love or their love arent forever, but also because it is replacable

But i do believe. In tragedy. Life is tragedy. People constantly living their life without knowing anything. Without understand what is the goal. Is it heaven or hell? Or just fake happiness in this world. People staring blankly at night thinking of their problems wondering how they could get what they want, questioning how to solve their problems and how to ease their broken heart. A never ending cycle they have to live forever as long as they live.

But i do believe in comedy. Coz how else can we spend this tragedy called life, but by laughing it off like a comedy

Nothing cant be cured by dark black coffee

Posted in Uncategorized on February 10, 2017 by enybodyhome

Nggak ada yang gak bisa disembuhin oleh secangkir kopi hitam pahit.

Saat lo ngantuk parah, kopi  jadi sesuatu yang lo cari, dan most of the time bisa nyembuhin ngantuk lo

Saat lo sumpek di kantor akibat kerjaan, ngopi bisa jadi solusi

Saat lo butuh inspirasi waktu lagi ngerjain tugas, kopi bisa sangat membantu

Saat lo kangen sama temen – temen dan feel like want to hang out, ‘ngopi – ngopi’ bisa jadi undangan yang menggiurkan

Saat lo nungguin orang, ngopi bisa jadi alternatif

Saat lo punya kue, biskuit atau pisang goreng, kopi bisa jadi teman pendamping yang lezat

Yeah, ga harus hitam dan pahit memang. Jenis kopi nya absolutely terserah preferensi dan selera

images

Tapi di saat lo diingatkan sekali lagi oleh kenyataan hidup yang lumayan pahit, kopi hitam, pekat dan pahit sangat membantu. Kopi hitam pahit membantu mengingatkanlo bahwa dalam hidup, lo udah pernah ngalamin sesuatu yang lebih hitam, pekat, dan pahit dari apa yang lo alamin sekarang. Dan bahwa indeed, dalam hidup, you can never have everything.. So just shove it up in your ass, and clear your throath

superwhore

Posted in Uncategorized on February 7, 2017 by enybodyhome

So last night a friend recommended me a song. Katanya kayaknya gue suka

Biasanya gue apatis ya ama referensi lagu orang – orang, karena selera lagu gue sering ga sama ama selera lagu orang – orang kebanyakan. I mean come on, hari gini siapa si yang masi mewek dengerin lagu nya novia kolopaking, tapi juga bisa terdilo – dilo dengerin Epica?

Anyway, gue ga langsung buka link nya semalem, dan baru buka tadi pagi first thing in the morning, akibat masih ngantuk gila dan sakit kepala parah gegara tadi malem

And God forgives me for i think i have fallen in love with this band. Oh Epica, Pretty Reckless, im so sorry for betraying you guys, but i really – really do in love with this band the moment gue denger lagunya. Dan gilanya, hampir semua lagunya, enak – enak banget. Dari pagi sampe sekarang, gue sibuk aja ngeyutub lagu2 nya mereka  *Please dont tell my boss about it. Dan amazingly, video clip mereka gue banget. When i say ‘gue banget’ , pasti ngerti kan artinya? Dark, very dark, creepy and eerie..

So lagu pertama yang gue denger dari Band ini, judulnya “WHORE”. Gak ngerti juga sih kenapa out of all songs yang band ini punya, temen gue malah kirim yang judulnya “WHORE” Thanks dude, appreciated *lirik sinis ke yang ngirim

Video clipnya keren banget, musiknya gila asli im out of words describing the music, tapi yang paling ngena sih liriknya. Ntah kenapa rasanya krenyes krenyes di hati baca liriknya.

Jadi ya, selain setel lagu2 mereka yang lain, gue ngulang lagu ini dari tadi pagi, sampai post ini dibuat, kira – kira udah 20 kali lah.

Beginilah kira – kira liriknya.

 

‘m the girl you’ve been thinking about
The one thing you can’t live without
I’m the girl you’ve been waiting for
I’ll have you down on your knees, I’ll have you begging for more
You probably thought I wouldn’t get this far, you thought I’d end up in the back of a car
You probably thought that I’d never escape, I’d be a rat in a cage, I’d be a slave to this place
You don’t know how hard I fought to survive, waking up alone when I was left to die
You don’t know about this life I’ve led, all these roads I’ve walked, all these tears I’ve bled

So how can this be, you’re praying to me
There’s a look in your eyes, I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner, I am your whore
But let me tell you something, baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

I’m the one that you need and fear, now that you’re hooked it’s all becoming clear
That all your judgments that you placed on me was a reflection of discovery
So maybe next time when you cast your stones from the shadows of the dark unknown
You will crawl up from your hiding place, take a look in the mirror, see the truth in your face

Gak tau ya, apakah temen gue kirim lagu ini karena judulnya, atau karena liriknya. Tapi kalo karena liriknya, thanks dude, sumpah ini menguatkan banget hahaha i feel like a superhero.. or is it  “SUPERWHORE”?capture

growing up..

Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2017 by enybodyhome

So yesterday while having breakfast with a friend, we got to  topic about age. Yes age, and suddenly questioned ourselves in a very shocking way, “WHAT?? We ‘re 35 already?!!!”

Yep, the horror look in our face, clearly said it all

Beneran ga nyangka umur kita berdua udah 35. How did we get here? How did we get to this number and didnt learn anything? How did we manage to survive until this number, and how can we survive any longer?

Sewaktu kecil, kita selalu ingin jadi cepet besar. I remember when i was 10, i had always fantasized on how i looked and what would i be when i reached 22. Di bayangan gue, gue akan jadi perempuan matang baru lulus kuliah, dan siap sedia terjun ke dunia kerja. Gue selalu bayangin gue bakal jadi perempuan tinggi langsing, berambut panjang berkaca mata, pakai baju bagus, dan melangkah pasti yakin akan bekerja di salah satu gedung besar di kawasan sudirman.

Usia 22 gue berlalu 13 tahun yang lalu. And as far as i remember, none of the fantasy above had become true when i was at age 22.

At age 22, im short, thin like a broom,  was in a very dysfunctional relationship with my abusive boyfriend who had always beaten me up and cheated with every girl he knew, got no job, and ran away from home. Totally far from what i had imagined

Anyway, in between my confusion, depression, and dysfunctional life, on my 22, i had fantasy about how my life would be if i reached 35.

Gue mikirnya, di usia 35 gue bkal hidup bahagia, punya rumah kecil lucu di pinggiran Jakarta, bareng suami (yang gue pikir adalah  my abusive boyfriend kala itu), punya dua anak cowok dan cewek, masih cakep – makin matang dan masih langsing, dan jadi penulis novel terkenal yang bijak dan dewasa.

But look at me now

Im 35, fat short and ugly like a short ogre, have been in so many complicated and frustrating relationship since i was 22, have a mediocre job with mediocre income, im miles away from becoming a writer, and got no cute lovely home at the suburb.

And guess what, i still dont know what to do with my  life, and got no clues or whatsoever on what i should do 90% of the times when dealing with problems. Boro – boro bijak dan dewasa, i cant even control my impulse and sex drive

Oh well, but like they said, pada intinya gada yang tahu apa yang sedang mereka lakukan juga. Growing up is just deciding everything based on your guts and hoping your decision will not lead you to disaster

and im a queen of disaster, so you could imagine how many bad decision i have made lah

Toh yang penting i have my two beautiful daughters whom i love very much and heiii I work in sudirman area now hahahahaa *like it matters aje kerja di sudirman :/

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revealing

Posted in Uncategorized on January 31, 2017 by enybodyhome

Ada bait dari salah satu karangan Sylvia Plath, yang gue suka banget. “After all, We are nothing more or less than what we choose to reveal..”

Orang melihat kita, mengenal kita, menilai kita, menganggap kita berdasarkan apa yang kita tunjukkan ke mereka. Apa yang mereka pikir, apa yang mereka lihat, apa  yang mereka kenal, apa yang mereka nilai, dan apa yang kita anggap dari kita, hanyalah bagian dari diri kita yang kita perlihatkan

Makanya suka heran sendiri, kalau ada orang yang dengan mudahnya menilai, menganggap, dan seolah – olah tahu segala hal tentang kita hanya berdasarkan informasi yang sedikit itu.

Tahu apa orang lain tentang diri kita sebenarnya, kalau yang kita tunjukkan hanya sebagian kecil, atau bahkan mungkin hanya topeng belaka

Tahu apa orang lain tentang ‘skeleton in our closets’, saat yang kita perlihatkan sehari – hari hanya sisi yang ingin kita perlihatkan?

Tahu apa orang lain tentang seberapa dalam gunung es, kalau yang mereka lihat bisa jadi cuma the top of the iceberg

Tapi kemudian apakah salah bila orang menilai, menganggap, dan berpikir sesuai dengan apa yang diperlihatkan? Why would you hide yourself and reveal only what you want to reveal then? Why dont you show it all to the world?

Jawabannya mungkin karena because ga pernah never..

 

 

sinting

Posted in Uncategorized on January 25, 2017 by enybodyhome

This is by far one of the worst PMS ive ever experienced in my life. Segalanya kacau balau, campur aduk, ga jelas, dan ga ada arahnya mau apa

Dimulai dari sisi yang paling nyebelin. Seks. Gila gue kayaknya dibuatnya. Otak ga bisa jauh dari mikirin tentang seks. Kayaknya ngeliat tiang di pinggir jalan aja bisa bikin gue horny parah. Denger lagu bon jovi yang biasanya melo melo romantis gitu aja, gue malah  mikirin sex. Tiap malam uring – uringan, ga bisa tidur. Kalau mau pake istilah emak gue, you could say that ive been gemerangsangan all the time.

I do ‘selfie’, but does it help?

Nope, not at all.

Gue sih ga heran, kalo saat ini ada Judika atau Michael Fassbender depan muka gue, i could rape them over and over, bolak balik, dan asal – asalan.. Persis kaya orang bikin martabak telor

Terus selanjutnya, dari my middle name. Eny “GALAU” Yudianti. Entah kenapa segala hal bikin gue galau, dan tololnya for every different reason. One minute gue galau gegara si itu, the other time gue bisa mewek gegara mikirin si anu. One minute dengerin lagu nya Dewa bikin gue inget yang nyanyi lagu Dewa (no, bukan ahmad dhani),dan the other minute gue galau dengerin orang yang nyanyi lagu elton John (and no bukan Elton John -nya juga). Satu saat gue mewek tersedu – sedu mikirin lagu MLTR, terus selanjutnya gue ketawa terharu dengerin Butterfly nya Crazy Town. Not to mention gue jadi bego ngegalauin syair Air Supply yang jadi Making Love sampe dol itu..

Ya ampun, En. Kacau banget hiduplo. Berantakan abis. Persis kaya puing2 kapal titanic di eslandia sana. Even that, masih lebih baik dan lebih agung dari pada hidup lo.

Dua hari lagi umur lo 35 tahun, tapi kelakuanlo dah kaya ABG umur 15 tahun. Malu atuh sama path friends lo yang anteng2 aja tapi terpaksa liatin post lo yang kaya tukang getuk lindri, yang isinya sampah nowlistening lo. Not to mention sampah status lu yang ga jelas dan ga ada gunanya itu —–> yep this is me trying to give some sense into my own self

So…

Does the prep talk works for me? Nope, gue masi sinting dan psikopat seperti biasa dan seperti sebelumnya

 

My madness

Posted in Uncategorized on January 23, 2017 by enybodyhome

Around two years ago, someone told me that my life had always been in repeating mode. That was because id never learned from my mistake, he said. Because unlike other girls, i was reckless, wild, and could not be tamed. I did what i wanted to do, without considering the risks, the dangers, and what bad causes might have inflicted me.

That person now has gone. Out of the picture, and ive never met him again. Today, two years ago was exactly the last time i met him. However, i still keep so many dialogues, lines, sentences, and things he said to me.

And one of them is the above.

He was saying the truth..

I keep repeating my mistake without learning. I keep falling to the same hole. I keep crashing myself to the wall.

But why..?

I dont understand.

 Probably because if i were some kind of engine, there were too many broken parts inside of me. Probably those broken parts are unrepairable. Not even by the hands of a master.

Or probably because the engine itself is exhausted. It just coudnt be functioned properly anymore

2016 was over

Posted in Uncategorized on January 18, 2017 by enybodyhome

Sudah pertengahan January 2017, gue lupa ngelanjutin tradisi2 gue di tahun sebelumnya, to write that gratitude list stiap akhir tahun.

Mungkin karena tahun 2016 ga seberat tahun 2015? Atau gue merasa gada yang perlu disukuri? Atau karena ga banyak hal yang terjadi di tahun 2016?

WRONG

Gue cuma lagi males ngeblog, itu aja sih. You know me, moods come and go, and this year, no mood for blogging..

So, what are you grateful for the year 2016, Eny?

  1. My adorable daughters, they are healthy, smart, good, and grow up to be the most amazing daughters ive ever hoped for. There is nothing could replace my love for them, and im grateful for being given the chance to have such kind of love.
  2. My mom is in great health, i still rely on her so much for everything happens in my life. Although there were times when things get hard between me and her, she is always be my guardian angel, in her own way
  3. Ive got to visit my dad di Tegal. Seeing him smile and got closed to him again gave such beautiful feeling
  4. everyone i love, everyone i care about, have been healthy, in good condition, and are still with me. I dont think i could live my life without them either. Thank you to all of you, my beloved ones
  5. Ga terasa dah setahun lebih bertahan kerja di sini. Never though i could survive that long. Hehhehehee perut lebih kuat dari perasaan kan?
  6. Kuliah is okay. Although ngalamin kemunduran banget di semester yang baru berakhir ini. Gue males – malesan banget kuliah, dan asli ga punya mood buat masuk kelas atau ngerjain tugas. I guess straight A wont be in my hand again now. Thats okay though, at least i pass it
  7. Akhir tahun sebelum natal, ive had a surgery for 15 miom and 1 tumor inside my belly. Im glad it was over, and the process ran smooth. And i tell you one thing, i would never want to experience it again
  8. My birthday will be in a week or so, i guess i could say im grateful for all the blesses that God has given me, sampai seumur ini, dan mudah2an sampai ke umur2 yang akan datang

Apa lagi? i guess thats all, those 8 points have covered all the greatest things that happened to me within 2016

Semoga 2017 listnya bisa lebih baik lagi yes..