The hardest part

So previously i thought the hardest part from divorcing would be telling the parents. But turns out those parts,we’ve been through it okay, and wasnt too difficult. As long as we explain them carefully and objectively, they would understand why we have to take this road. Although still, they would ask us to reconsider and try again.. Meski keputusan akhirnya tetap akan terima juga pada akhirnya

Anyhow, i just found out what the hardest part would be..

Baru aja Nayla made a kind of mature dialogue with me

Nayla : tuh kok. Kemaren aku bertiga sama ayah. Sekarang aku bertiga sama ibu. Kok begitu sih
Me : loh, memangnya kenapa nayla. Kan yang penting ibu dan ayah sayang sama kamu
Nayla : nggak. Aku maunya berempat. Ibu, ayah, aku,dedek op. Kayak gambar itu
(Kemudian dia nunjuk gambar keluarga yang dia buat waktu kelas TK-A)
Me : (masih mikir kalo nayla masi bisa dialihin pembicaraannya dan bisa get this conversation over) iya. Tapi kan kmarin sudah sama ayah. Skarang ayah ke rumah nenek dulu. Nanti sabtu depan lagi ya
Nayla : nggak. Aku maunya berempat. Keluarfa kan harusnya ada ayah dan ibu. Gak ganti2an. Aku sedih. Aku mau nangis!
Me : (sedih mulai merayap ke hati,knowing this little girl is very serious now)
Iya sayang. Kita masi keluarga kok. Ayah sama ibu masih sayang kamu dan dedek lolop. Cuma memang ayah kan skarang harus tinggal di rumah nenek.
Nayla : aku mau nangis… (Kemudian nangis kejer)
Me : (hugged her speechless, and then randomly talked about how much her daddy and mommy love her and nothing would ever change)

Untuk sesaat dia diem. Dan berhenti nangis. Kemudian nayla bilang lagi : “Berarti ayah keluarganya nenek? Bukan keluarga aku?”. And started to cry again..

Gue kembali speechless, cuma bisa menatap dia dan ga tahu mesti ngomong apa. This girl is already big and growing up. Sudah ga bisa dirayu pakai permen atau mainan saat mempertanyakan sesuatu. Sudah mengerti konsep keluarga yang seharusnya. Dan sudah mulai kritis mempertanyakan segala hal yang dia ingin tahu.. Gue udah ga bisa memperlakukan dia seperti anak kecil yang ga tahu apa-apa lagi..

Akhirnya gue cuma bisa memeluk dia. And berusaha membuat dia yakin bahwa meski gak ada ayahnya, ayahnya tetap cinta dia sepenuh hati. Dan bahwa meski cuma ada ibu di rumah, dia ga sendirian atau ga berarti ga ada yang sayang sama dia..

It was awful, the experience. Untuk pertama kalinya, gue takut akan what kind of damage that me and my decission would cost my daughters. The people i care and love the most.

Selama ini gue pikir mereka akan baik-baik aja dan bahwa mereka akan mengerti mengapa ayah ibunya mengambil jalan ini. Bahwa gak semua orang yang bercerai akan menghasilkan anak-anak yang berantakan atau broken home.

But who am i kidding, setelah dialog itu, gue mulai ketakutan. Oh dear God, please show us the best and better way…

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9 Responses to “The hardest part”

  1. Welcome to the club. πŸ™‚

    Don’t worry, time heals. Keep positive. One day the kids will learn that their parents’ decision was indeed for the best.

    • I do trully hope so mbak… Wish us luck ya

      • En, I’ve been on that same bumpy painful road TWICE. I know what I’m saying. πŸ™‚ It’s not gonna be easy, of course. Nothing is. But in the end, you and the girls will grow to appreciate love and happiness. It’s something so precious that need to be worked out, the best we could. You girls will grow tougher and wiser, inshaa Allah, you WILL.

      • Amiin ya tuhan… Gue ngerinya. Am i being selfish for taking this bumpy road? Am i being inconsiderate ?

      • Don’t ever doubt your decision. Even when other people think you did. Why? Because you are the only one walking your shoes. You are the only one who take all the consequences about your life. No one else. So keep your head straight and stand tall. I know it’s not gonna be simple and I’m not gonna lie, it’s gotta hurt–but believe me, it’s not gonna be that bad once you walk it. πŸ™‚

      • Hmmm… Thank you mbak. Thank.you very much. *hugs

      • *hugs*
        You will make it, girls. You WILL, I promise. πŸ˜‰

  2. 😦 peluukk…
    Nayla and Lolop akan jd anak yg kuat spt ibunya. Mudah2an Nayla segera bisa memahami kondisi orgtuanya 😦

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