Archive for April, 2014

Survival #5

Posted in a sweet goodbye, My Precious one with tags , , , on April 29, 2014 by enybodyhome

So the one of the best things that happened today is payday. Although that means to lose it again within few minutes for paying the bills, it is relieving..

Anyway i decided not to do what i did last year. Sitting alone in the dark misery and trying hard to endure the unbearable pain

I decided to fix everything. I decided to try. Again

It has not been fixed and things might be going to be the same, this dark misery, but at least i have tried.

Whatever the result, whatever it leads me, at least i know now…

Survival #4

Posted in a sweet goodbye, daydreaming, My Precious one, my songs with tags , on April 28, 2014 by enybodyhome

Seperti tahun lalu, salah satu lagu yang gue dengerin terus when i was in current similar situation, was Angelina nya Il Divo

Gue emang dari tahun 2005 udah suka banget sama ildivo. Selain ganteng-ganteng, suara mereka luar biasa seksi, dan the way they sing every songs, kayaknya powerful, penuh pengkhayatan dan bikin merinding plus termehek-mehek.

Anyway, Angelina is one of their best songs. The song is in spanish, tapi thanks to googling and the people behind website “lyricstranslate.com”, gue jadi tahu artinya. Begini menurut websitenya

You and I and only one heart
that beats for the two.
What can go wrong?

Cowardly and cruel dawn, gray sky,
without your skin,
if you are not here.

Forget everything while you dance Angelina,
until the dawn or dying of thirst.

Pain does not exist while you dance, Angelina.
All will go well, do not lose faith.

One more night lost among your skin.
It is difficult to understand, but it’s like this…

I am at your feet time and again.
When we dance, I am happy.

One more night lost among your skin.
It is difficult to understand, but it’s like this…

I am at your feet time and again.
When we dance, I am happy.

 

Anyway, bagian chorus lagunya selalu jadi bagian favorite gue. The pain dont exist when you dance, Angelina.
So tadi sore pulang dari kantor di angkot, gue kepikiran lagu itu. Turun di Mencong, gue ga lanjut naik ojek seperti biasa, but i walked

According to the song, the pain dont exist when you dance. I can not dance. And even if i could, impossible for me to dance di jalanan atau dalam angkot. When in fact, the pain… Oh God the pain has become so unbearable. I feel it constantly in my chest, and my tummy. Rasanya kaya ditusuk berulang-ulang tapi pelan dengan pisau tumpul. I just couldnt take it…

 

And anyway, so i think walking is almost the same as dancing, no?
Sama- sama gerakin kaki (mengikuti irama) dan sama sama ngeluarin keringat. Dan supaya rasanya seperti berdansa, gue seperti biasa jalan sambil dengerin lagu.

It took me 1,5 hours to get to home finally. Dari mulai digodain ojek, abang-abang sampai om om ganjen. What a long tapi ga berasa – journey

Kaki gue lecet. Sampai rumahpun mati lampu. Keringet keluar banyak memang. Almost like olahraga lah, i hope i could lose some weight 😛

 

But how bout the pain?

The pain is still there. Still inside my badly wounded heart and eating me alive.. I just dont know anymore..

Sepertinya gue butuh jarak jalan yang lebih jauh…

Survival #3

Posted in a sweet goodbye, daydreaming, My Precious one with tags , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2014 by enybodyhome

so this is monday

already at the office, setelah kepanasan luar biasa tadi di angkot

Pagi – pagi berantem lagi sama Ardy, yeah whats new on that. Its like a good morning hello to me, or to both of us

 

Ntah kenapa, sitting here, at this office, makes the broken heart terasa lebih sakit dari sebelumnya. I practically dont know what to do now, and cant get my mind out of the issue. My chest feels heavy, can not breath, can not think, can not do anything

All i want is to sit in a dark corner, and cried my eyes out, reaching for help. I dont know whose help though

 

The pain, oh the pain. Still couldnt believe myself, i am here again, the same condition, the same issue, the same heart broken, by the same person

Whats worse is , i could not even blame the person for this, as i know it so well i might be the one who is to blame

cbe4db63b5860f99d5d7bbea33beb4ee

 

Survival #2

Posted in a sweet goodbye, crazy theory, My Precious one with tags , , , , , on April 27, 2014 by enybodyhome

So today the agenda was..
Bersih bersih rumah dan beberes in the morning
Had a quite a fight with ardy also. That suddenly made me the loneliest person on earth, for keep pushing away the people who love me. Cried
myself out in the bathroom. Yeah, where else

Dan kemudian end up with me opened the laptop and started writing
Yeah writing stories. It had been a thing that ive never done again for so long. Maybe its time to start. Again
Beside, they said writing was one of the best way to heal or help you forget your broken heart. I ve got 4 pages.Lumayanlah

In the afternoon we went to the mall with nayla and lolop for monthly grocery shopping
Funny thing was, i suddenly lost my appetite on shoes and dress the way i used to be.. This ache inside has really gotten me 😦

Anyway pulang dr belanja bulanan, anak-anak tidur. Then i continued watching himym season 4 until the moment before i write this post

I actually dont wanna sleep, coz the moments before sleeping has always been the roughest moments for broken people as me, but then i realize, showing up at work with bad headache and constantly yawning would not be good for my own health

Anyway that is that. I complete today successfully.

Bismillah untuk besok.. Amiin

Ps: i have to sleep in the couch now. Kayaknya bakal beneran ga tidur and watching tv instead.
Oh this pain inside have made me like 19 again 😦

Survival

Posted in Uncategorized on April 26, 2014 by enybodyhome

Pagi-pagi kemarin nyikat kamar mandi. Nyikat sampai bersih mengkilap ke setiap sudutnya. Ga lupa of course sambil dengerin musik keras – keras supaya bisa sambil nyanyi

Selesai nyikat kamar mandi, beberes. And specially beresin lemari baju gue yang ntah kenapa berantakan banget. Damn ternyata i have so many clothes that i have never wore udah lama, tapi dibuang sayang. Ada yang karena emang udah ga muat, ada juga yabg karena gue ngerasa belum ada waktu yang tepat buat pakai.(macam baju kerajaan aja kudu nunggu waktu yang tepat)

Setelah itu mandi dan seperti biasa nyuapin anak – anak, dan of course beberapa kali ngomel karena mereka ga mau beresin mainannya

Siangan, anak anak tidur. Tadinya rencana mau leyeh – leyeh nonton tivi. Tapi kemudian inget gue punya beberapa film yang gue donlod di kantor dan belum gue tonton. Ada Love Story dari tahun 76, Rocky Horror picture show yang ga kalah jadul, dan beberapa film lain. But then i saw HIMYM folder. Oh well ga ada salah ya nonton lagi. So i watch season 3

And the best decission ever, seperti biasa TEd, Robin, Barney, Lili and Marshall never fail me. Diselingin dengan mandiin anak-anak, nyuapin, dan sambil main dengan mereka, gue nonton sampai malam dan waktunya tidur

Last day was a success. Ive got distracted. Lets see what we can do today

i have no defenses

Posted in a sweet goodbye, crazy theory, daydreaming, My Precious one, my songs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2014 by enybodyhome

Jadi keuntungannya kalau lo sudah sering kecewa, patah hati, sakit  hati dan sedih adalah, lo udah tahu persis apa yang akan lo rasain. Dah tahu persis apa yang harus lo lakuin. Dah tahu persis gimana cara nutupinnya dari orang lain supaya lo bisa terlihat okay okay azaa.

Dah tahu banget deh what to do, how , what, when and where..

Karena nothing new juga.. Rasa nyeri di dada, seperti ada pisau berkarat yang ngebelah elo dari leher hingga ke perut pelan-pelan. Rasa kosong di setiap sendi, nadi dan tulang di tubuhlo, yang sebenarnya seandainya lo bisa, lo maunya ga kemana-mana dan cukup leyeh-leyeh saja di tempat tidur. Berduka.. Keinginan untuk selalu kedipin mata supaya otak lo yang kosong bisa teralihkan, dan ga perlu mikirin kesedihan lo atau orang yang bikin lo sedih. Kesibukan yang lo cari-cari, berusaha sekuat tenaga mencari distraction dan mantengin diri untuk fokus ke hal tersebut.. Iya, semuanya tetap sama. The same thing all over again.

Tapi apa lantas elo kebiasa, dan bisa jadi okay okay aja kalau lagi sedih patah hati kecewa dan sakit hati?

Nggak.. ga pernah bisa akan terbiasa..

Lo tetep aja ga bisa fokus, dan every now and then mikirin that person, who breaks your heart.

Lo tetep aja berharap malam cepet datang supaya lantas lo bisa rebahin diri di dalam gelap, and drown your self in your sorrow, ditemani lagu-lagu sedih. And then the series of sleepless nights begin..

Lo tetep aja berharap waktu berjalan lebih cepat, karena lo tahu, satu-satunya yang bisa nyembuhin luka lo, cuma waktu.

Bukan mabuk-mabukan, bukan distraction, bukan nangis semalaman, bukan curhat sama temen, bukan curhat di blog, dan bukan semuanya.

Iya, cuma waktu…

 

Meski ga tahu juga, apa bener waktu yang nyembuhin, atau lo cuma udah kebiasa aja ama lukanya, sampai – sampai ga berasa lagi

 

Anyway, semua yang gue tulis di atas sih, cuma kejadian ama gue. Pengalaman pribadi gue aja. Ga tahu dan terserah juga sih elo gimana…

 

I woke before it got light..

Posted in a sweet goodbye, My Precious one, my songs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2014 by enybodyhome

Kata orang, jangan tertawa berlebihan, jangan menangis berlebihan. Saat sedang sedih jangan terlalu sedih,juga sebaliknya saat sedang  bahagia

 

Beberapa waktu lalu, one of the most beautiful moment happened in my life. Thing that I thought would never happened again for the rest of my life. I was so happy. Bahagia. Luar biasa. Berlebihan.

Gue sampai ga bisa tidur tiap malam. You know kan, hal-hal yang bikin orang ga bisa tidur, selain banyak masalah, banyak nyamuk, dan ga punya duit, udah pasti karena terlalu bersemangat.

Yeah, I was kinda too excited too,  for that thing that just happened.

It was not a new thing actually, it was old thing, but renewed, and probably improved.

I said improved, because this time, (or that time, karena sudah lewat), as it had been promised, I would not be dissappointed. I would not be let down, I would not be broken (again.., as the last time)

SO  there I was, feeling like I finally had found my path, my way back home..

Ada sedikit ketakutan sih kala itu, that it couldn’t be true, some thing was wrong, I thought. Because in my mind, I was not supposed to be that happy. I was not destined to be that happy.

That happy was just not my middle name, somehow my sense told me that.

But the other part of me, and the happiness itself, had made me convinced, that I COULD be that happy, and that there was nothing to be worried about. Cause everything was just sooooo fiiiineeee… (That was she said,kalau kata Michael Scott mah)

 

BUT Then.. I think I jinxed it..

Exactly 11 days after that day, exactly the same day as last year, It happens..

I am dissapointed,  i am being let down, i am being broken..

To be honest, i dont know what to do, what to feel,what to react.

However, Its not everyday, ramalan lo jadi kenyataan kan.

And ramalan gue yang ini jadi nyata,and bodohnya I’ve been ignoring it.

Am not gonna blame anyone, and if there is, ya cuma gue. Gue aja yang patut disalahin. Untuk kebodohan gue yang udah merusak semuanya, dan juga untuk kebodohan gue untuk percaya dan kasih kesempatan ke diri gue.

Hancur? Yaiyalah. Sedih? Banget. Kecewa? Lumayan. Nangis? I try hard to not to..

Tapi ya kembali lagi ke awal, harusnya gue emang ga boleh terlalu bahagia. Jadi pas waktunya datang untuk sedih, guepun ga akan terlalu kaget. Yah lalu begitu deh, guenya terlalu bahagia, jadi sekarang lumayan kaget. Banget.. Oh Well..

Anyway, the only thing i could do now, is trying hard to pull my self back altogether, and wake myself up. Toh lagi, kata orang, semuanya pinjaman kan, terserah aja kalau yang punya mau ambil lagi. Termasuk kebahagiaan.

 

home is where the heart is

home is where the heart is

 

 

Sang Mantan

Posted in crazy theory, daydreaming with tags , , , , , on April 10, 2014 by enybodyhome

Mana janji manismu,
setia sampai mati..

Lagi dengerin lagunya nidji. Yang judulnya sang manten, eh sang mantan.
Waktu lagu ini lagi booming, gue sebel banget dengernya. Abis, cowok macam mana coba yang menye menye ngerengek minta diakui sebagai mantan. Nagih-nagih janji pula. Bok, lo cowok! Yang ada juga lo dong yang kudu penuhi janji!
•lah ini kenapa malah gue yang nyolot jadinya

Anyway, lima tahun berlalu. Iseng- iseng tempo hari gue download lagunya
Kali ini mencoba memahami Lagu dari sudut pandang yang berbeda. Kalo kemarin dari sudut siku-siku, kali ini cukup dari sudut 45 derajat saja. Diukur tepat dengan busur yang biasa dipakai waktu esempe. (Okay, im being totally garing. You may say kriuk)

Dan kemudian. Memahami lagunya pelan- pelan, ternyata emang sedih banget lagunya ya. Apalagi didengerin malam jumat gini di mana orang- orang seharusnya sedang melakukab aktifitas yang biasa dilakukan di malam jumat. Apakah itu? Entahlah, bisa baca yasin atau jadi babi ngepet, semua terserah anda.

Anyway, jadi ya yang namanya mantan emang pahit. Apalagi kalo terus terusan diinget -inget jaman awal awal hubungan dulu. Waktu semua masih indah, masih mesra, masih manis, masih serba bahagia, meski ga se kepenak jamannya pak harto. (😶😶😶😶). Mengingat masa masa bahagia itu, emang bakal bikin pahitnya menjadi mantan melebihi pahitnya ngeliat timbangan badan yang ga kunjung berkurang angkanya

Kebayang waktu masih mesra sms dan chatting bisa tiap menit, dimulai saat bangun tidur ditutup saat mau tidur. Kebayang saat – saat di mana denger suara kita, lihat kita dari jauh aja rasanya dah bikin si doi berdebar- debar , kebayang saat si doi bilang “ill be there for you, no matter what”, dan juga sebaliknya..

Tapi setelah menjadi mantan, apa lagi setelah si doi punya pasangan baru lagi, yang dia kirimin pesan setiap saat, yang dia sayang- sayang, yang dia janjiin, dengan janji surga layaknya para caleg, kita pun dibuang.

Istilah jaman betharia sonatanya, kitapun dicampakkan

Semua pesan pelan pelan menghilang, semua janji mendadak dilupakan. Syukur syukur kalau masih bisa berteman, yang terjadi, kita malah cuma bisa menjadi (as gotye has lovingly put it), somebody they used to know..

Tapi apa bisa protes? Ya nggaklah. Perasaan mana bisa diatur. Kalau saat pihak sana sudah tidak merasa, mana bisa dipaksa.. Cause nothing does last forever..Paling maksimal ya kita cuma bisa mewek menye menye sebagai sang mantan kaya si nidji itu

Dan akhirnya, kita cuma bisa berusaha sportif, dengan menerima kekalahan secara bijak, because the winner takes it all…

Note : mohon jangan diseriusi, postingan ini dibuat karena habis dengerin sang Mantan- nya Nidji dan The Winner Takes it All -nya Abba

Alone

Posted in Uncategorized on April 4, 2014 by enybodyhome

At some points in your life, there are moments when you feel like enough trying. When you feel like you are too tired to do any kinds of struggling and choose not to do anything and let everything be

That moments when you wish you hope and you expect other people will try, and do the efforts for you

But when they (usually) dont…

You realize that you are just not worth the effort, and that people choose to let you go rather than making you stay..

And that very moment, you know that you have always been alone..