Archive for October, 2013

if i could not move on

Posted in Uncategorized on October 30, 2013 by enybodyhome

Gue pribadi agak terganggu ya sama orang yang mikir bahwa orang yang ga move on itu artinya ngarep dan masih ngarep sangat supaya orang yang dicintai itu bisa end up ama dirinya.
Entah kenapa, mungkin ini juga ada hubungannya sama interpretasi cinta bagi gue.
Bagi gue, cinta itu ga pernah berarti memiliki. Buat gue cinta itu ga pernah berarti berharap orang yang kita cintai bisa ama kita. Bagi gue mencintai orang ga pernah berarti dia harus mencintai kita lagi.
Bagi gue cinta itu simply hoping someone that we love, is happy, althought the happiness itself is not with us.

Thats why gue heran kalo ada orang bilang , seseorang yang ga move on itu karena masih ngarepin orang yang dia cintai. Gue pribadi, kalau gue ga move on, simply karena gue belum bisa mencintai orang lain sebanyak orang yang gue cintai itu. Kalo gue belum move on, simply karena gue belum bisa mengganti dia atau berhenti mencintai dia. Kalo gue belum move on, artinya gue emang masih mencintai orang tersebut, dan ini ga pernah berarti bahwa gue berharap gue masih bisa ama dia. Bagi gue, kalo gue belum move on, artinya gue sedia memberi apapun buat dia (kalau dia minta) dan ga pernah berarti gue menerima apapun dari dia

From the first day i decided to love someone, gue ga pernah punya harapan bahwa orang itu, harus ama gue. Bahwa orang itu harus mencintai gue balik. Ga pernah ada yang namanya kaya gitu.
If i say i love someone, meaning i love being with him, i love his accompanies, but bukan berarti gue ingin dia menjadi orang yang harus ada sama gue selamanya.

If i say i could not move on from loving some one, thats just simply because in my heart, until this very moment, cuma ada nama orang itu dan belum bisa diganti ama orang lain,tanpa ada harapan orang itu harus mencintai gue balik atau bisa sama gue

Itu saja

So please understand, I dont love someone because I am expecting something from that someone. I love someone because  i love that someone. Sampai kapanpun itu.

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Bali?

Posted in a simple hello, a sweet goodbye, crazy theory with tags , , , , on October 29, 2013 by enybodyhome

Jadi ceritanya  minggu depan gue bakal ke Bali. Sendirian. Yes ke Bali. The Island of God.Iya, sendirian. Frankly, quite honestly, gue ga pernah punya cita-cita ingin ke Bali. Gak pernah sedikitpun dalam hidup gue ingin ke Bali.Not dulu,not later, and even now.

Then why do I go?

Yes, I question it myself quite often recently.Ngapain gue pergi then.

Jadi awalnya, dan seperti biasanya, jiwa impulsive gue tau-tau pengen ikutan pasangan temen yang mau ke Bali, September kemaren. Secara mendadak gue langsung beli tiket, dan beli voucher hotel yang suka dijual di Disdus. Gak, maksudnya bukan ingin menjadi kambing congek di antara sepasang temen yang second honeymoon di Bali itu, tapi ya cuma pengen pergi aja. (Sepertinya gue lagi galau or something waktu itu, makanya i decide i need to refresh my soul as soon as possible)

Anyway, lalu kenyataan berkata lain. Gak taunya, di tempat kerja baru, schedule ke Bali yang harusnya September itu, bentrok sama schedule training, yang mana gue sebagai karyawan baru gak mungkin ambil cuti dan mangkal dari training dong. Yang mana artinya, gue ga bisa ke Bali bareng temen-temen gue itu. Akhirnya gue ganti lah jadi bulan November ini. (Dengan pertimbangan, kebetulan banget ada temen yang mau bareng ama gue pergi bulan November juga)

Cerita punya cerita, temen gue yang harusnya pergi bareng di November,cancel. Ga jadi pergi. Dan jadilah gue bengong sendirian cengok bingung dan ga tau mau gimana. Reschedule tiketnya lagi udah ga boleh. While hotel juga udah dibooking. Gue berusaha ajak sana-sini, siapa tahu ada yang mau ke Bali juga. Tapi ga ada yang bisa. I guess karena gue ga semenyenangkan itu ya, sampe susah banget nyari temen buat ke Bali. And unfortunately, the show must go on

So, begitulah. Gue ke Bali  nanti tanggal 2 sampai tanggal 5. Sendiri (Rasanya emang perlu mengemphazise bagian yang ini, yang entah kenapa membuat gue merasa jadi forever alone girl). Ga tahu juga gue mau ngapain , dan apa yang bisa gue kunjungi di sana, as it would be my first time.

Sejujurnya, pengen banget cancel dan ga pergi. Tapi sayang banget rasanya uang yang udah dikeluarin buat tiket dan hotel terbuang percuma.

So ya sudahlah ya, gue pergi aja. Sendiri juga ga papa kali ya. Toh in the end kita emang bakal sendiri juga kan? At least dalam tahun 2013, I finally will do my first time thing. And who knows, maybe Bali isnt that bad after all And hey, American Next Top Model shooting di sana kan sekarang? Siapa tahu gue ketemu Tyra Banks, dan diangkat jadi adeknya 😛cycle-20-contestans-americas-next-top-model-35250867-500-462

PS; Considering how my life in a deep mess recently, hopefully sepulang dari Bali everything will eventually be alright. Amiin

Maaf

Posted in Uncategorized on October 25, 2013 by enybodyhome

How to not crying? I was asking this question to a friend few days ago. This dear friend as usual, gave me a wise and nice input. He told me if i need to cry, just cry. If i fear having caught of crying, i could pretend reading a sad book or watching sad movie. Of course after that he gave me stupid jokes that had stopped me from crying

But tears are like rain, if it needs to fall, it will. Been holding my tears since forever. Trying hard to keep my head up above water and pretend to be okay by smiling, have pushed all the tears inside

And suddenly, by a sacred moment that has just happened, i finally cried. Its been so long since the last time i cried so hard like this. I suddenly cant breath. My chest feels so heavy and all the words that i hve wanted to say, all become unclear. The tears, my eyes they just keep running down my face, and all i could say is ..”Maaf..”

The biggest sadness.

That i have to hurt the only man who could love me that much

And i could only say “Maaf..”

No words can express how

Posted in Uncategorized on October 24, 2013 by enybodyhome

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
That I’ve held so dear.

I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

Fallen – Sarah Mclachlan

me, justificating

Posted in Uncategorized on October 23, 2013 by enybodyhome

Good-byes make you think, they make you realize what you’ve had, what you’ve lost, and what you’ve taken for granted.

Whenever there is a hello, there is always a good bye. It is an old saying, but unfortunately it is what it is.

It is easy to rely on the saying, it is easy to rely on the time. To say that time changes and makes people change. The reason why we have to say good bye.

But knowing deep inside that it wasn’t the time that causes the good bye, knowing deep inside that it is your own mistakes  that have brought the good bye, is not an easy thing.

Forever i will always blame myself for causing this. And forever I will never forgive myself

But forcing myself, forcing the situation, forcing what has not already there to be still there, have been my choice for all these years, and have left me running out of energy, and wasted. It is just time to surrender

Saying that this is the best way for both of us.probably the most unfair statement. It has never been best for both of us, and certainly the worst for our children. And maybe our family.

But God knows how I’ve tried. And God knows it is impossible for me or him to stay.

We have been selfish, I have been selfish. But happy parents bring happy children. And sad troubled parents, will bring sad troubled children. The least thing i want to have is the situation where my children seeing all the wrong things between us, and finally inherit them. I never want my children to be me. This good bye, this separation, hopefully makes us better person, makes me a better mother.

And hopefully God gives us the easy way on handling this

I am justificating, I know…

 

PS : Thank you my Husband. You have been a great husband, and have given me so much.. It is time for you to take and get what you deserve. And it is certainly not me. Best of luck to you

 

Prepare myself

Posted in Uncategorized on October 20, 2013 by enybodyhome

1.Learning how to cook
This is crucial, urgent and highly prioritized. Mengingat selama ini gue luar biasa malas untuk masak, and sering kali ngandelin suami untuk departement yang satu ini

2. Mulai manage uang 500 kali lebih baik. Kurangin blanja baju spatu, kurangin jajan, kurangin jalan, fokus ke keuangan rumah tangga. Ill be the only income going forward

3. Postphone rencana kuliah. Maybe forget it. Things are lots of more urgent than my own needs

4. Belajar naik motor. Mengingat gue harus bisa lebih mobile sekarang, belajar naik motor is the only option. Now whose bike yang mau jadi korban coba

5. Sabar sabar dan sabar. Please God gives more dosages on this deprtement. My kids will need me more sabar than before

6. I can do it. Insya allah i can. Semoga diberi kemudahan and semoga semua bisa nerima dengan baik.

Amiiin ammiiiin.