Archive for March, 2012

Semoga Tuhan tidak mengutuk saya

Posted in Uncategorized on March 28, 2012 by enybodyhome

Saya melepas kerudung saya. Teman saya bilang, itu tindakan yang impulsive sekali, seharusnya saya sudah lelah jadi orang yang impulsive, katanya.
Suami saya bilang, “I told you so, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Teman yang lain bilang “Sayang bangeeeett”.
Sejujurnya saya tidak terlalu peduli apa kata orang. Meski harus saya akui, saya lumayan perih dan sakit menerima cacian yang datang bertubi dari suami saya sendiri. Orang yang seharusnya bisa menjadi tempat saya berlindung dan mampu berada buat saya, separah dan sekonyol apapun yang saya buat.
Jujur saya agak shock atas sikap.suami yang malah menertawakan (dalam hati) dan lalu menjudge dan menyerang saya. Di mana seharusnya dia bisa bertanya ada apa, dan membantu saya.
Tapi ya sudahlah. Toh saya sedang tidak ingin membicarakan dia..
Yang saya ingin bicarakan, adalah mengapa saya ambil keputusan ini.
Saat saya memutuskan menggunakan kerudung, kondisi mental saya sedang porak poranda. Apart of my heart was in a very big mess. I was kinda hoping that by using my veil, i could clean up all the mess somehow.
Tapi ternyata tidak. Sebagian diri saya itu masih berantakan dan mungkin memburuk. Dan tanggung jawab menjadi perempuan yang mengenakan simbol seolah-olah dia religius ini, ternyata malah semakin menekan saya. Dan saya tidak sanggup.
Mungkin saya tidak bersabar, mungkin saya kurang kuat dan kurang berusaha. Tapi beban moral dan branding orang orang yang saya temui yang menganggap saya orang baik dan calon penghuni surga, sepertinya malah membuat hati saya seperti diberati batu satu ton.
Seharusnya ini memang menjadi pemicu, pengingat dan tetap istiqomah dengan pilihan berkerudung saya, tapi yang terjadi saya malah makin merasa tercekik..
Salah satu hal yang paling saya takut adalah menjadi orang yang bukan diri saya sendiri. Saya tidak ingin orang menganggap saya baik when in fact i am not. Saya ngeri dan malah merasa diteror saat orang menganggap saya calon surga. Its creepin the hell out of me.
Dan begitulah. Pada satu pagi kmarin, saya memutuskan untuk membukanya. Saya berbuat salah dengan mengenakannya sebelum saya siap. Saya tidak ingin memperburuknya dengan menodai pakaian yang menurut sebagian besar orang adalah tanda suci itu.
Meski jujur, saya yakin orang yang tak berkerudung bukan berarti tidak punya tempat di surga

Ps : thankyou mbak jihan, nisa dan hendra who still accept me however i am

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lets go right

Posted in daydreaming, My Precious one with tags , , , on March 7, 2012 by enybodyhome

I’m 30. I have two adorable daughters,and one loving husband. My family helps me raising my children lovingly and wholeheartedly while I’m working outside. Yes, we still rent our house, but hey, at least its a very comfy house, we like to live there and we rent it with a cheap price.

I’m in perfectly health condition. Once or twice having cold and flu or headache is normal I’m sure. And all my life I’ve never gotten any serious illness. *knockonwood. They say I’m not ugly, some even say I’m pretty, or sexy enough. Of course there’s always those people who will tell I am awfully fat and look unattractive, but hey if I like what I see on the mirror, why should I think of what others see? And for now, I quite like my shadow in the mirror, accept for the tummy part of course. But that was the cost for having such beautiful daughters, am I rite? And I never regret those šŸ™‚

I have many friends. And few close friends, in the real world and in the internet. And they all are always very supportive. Well maybe some of them could be likeĀ  pain in the ass or stab me from the back, but why should I think about what’s going on behind my back? If what worth is the friends that are on my side..

I have stuff that I own and liberty to do what i like. I have blackberry that helps me to socialize, and to amuse me. I have that old creative mp4 player that helps me through the rough traffic jam here in Jakarta. I have enough money to buy small stuff that i like, such as clothes or shoes. Of course there is always time when I m broke, when even a good dinner i cant buy, but hey, it solves by itself, it always goes away eventually. I am not rich, but I am sureĀ  I have enough of what I need.

I never go to any concert, i even seldom going out in a movie. Limited time, and of course limited money. But hey, I don’t mind. As long as I could eat my favorite food, MIe ABC cup, that is enough for me.

Now why am I writing these?

Trust me, it’s not to brag or being show off. it is also not in the purpose of making an image. But its to remind me, that I have a happy life, surrounded by the people I love, and that I should be grateful for that.
To remind me, I shouldn’t look at the grass on the other side.
To remind me,that whatever mistakes on the past, that whatever heartbroken I’m dealing now, and whatever troubles I have to face, they all won’t kill me..