Cornered

Posted in Uncategorized on May 10, 2017 by enybodyhome

today is mighty tiring

left home at 5am to finally celebrate the event that my friends and i have prepared since March, while only had 3 hours of sleep at the nite before, and still wit heavy feeling from the news i got yesterday, and the eerie news i got today

the event was a blast, all the participants were happy, and most importantly, we managed to make all the people got closer than before, those who dont know were getting to know each other, and the strange faces have become the friendly faces. The ice is breaking, and it is nice. 

As soon as the event was over, i left the venue to the office, took a bath, and prepared for another activity. College.

 Kalo ga inget harus presentasi dan kumpulin tugas, pengen bolos rasanya. Mata sepet, badan sakit akibat angkat-angkat barang, dan lari sana – sini, jahitan sakit, perut rasa mau ambrol, dan kepala kaya mau pecah rasanya. Tapi kewajiban ya kewajiban. Kudu dipenuhi.

So here i am, duduk mojok di ruang kelas saat break, selesai presentasi. Pengen tidur takut bablas, ga mau tidur tapi fisik beneran ambruk.

at times like this. i need him. so much. The him that have painted my life more colorful. The him that always makes me laugh. The him that i adore so much.

but he turns ice cold.

i made him that way.

so here i am. cryin. 

in the corner

and dont know what to do.

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Functioned

Posted in Uncategorized on April 19, 2017 by enybodyhome

I thought my heart has been broken severedly that the system wouldnt be functioned properly anymore

I thought my heart couldnt beat the way it should be anymore

I thought i was a heartless bastard

But just now

Just this moment

I feel pain here inside my chest

It goes like a something has been pulled from my chest through my throath, in repeating mode

It goes like a small knife pushes his way in to the chest

And it feels funny yet painfull everytime i breathe

So i guess i do have a heart and it is functioned well afterall..

There

Posted in Uncategorized on April 13, 2017 by enybodyhome

There i saw him..

Walked right pass me

Sharp. Strong. Firm. And fast. Didnt bother to look 

I felt my heart beats faster. Unrecognizable


There i met him

Walked pass by me. 

That glimpse of light from his eyes

Captured my heart. 

The knees fell weak everytime i saw them

There he shooked my hand

Raspy voice. Wide smile. 

Warm. 

I couldnt get that smile out of my head


There we touched

The deep wet kiss

The soft and strong hug

The comforting smell

I want to stay there forever

Aren’t we all

Posted in little note for today, My Precious one on March 13, 2017 by enybodyhome

Kita semua mahluk – mahluk kesepian

Yang punya lubang hitam besar menganga di dada

Yang tak pernah tahu bagaimana mengisinya

Yang tak pernah tahu bagaimana menutupinya

 

Kita semua mahluk – mahluk kesepian

Yang mencari, dan tak berhenti mencari

Satu makna supaya berarti

Yang berlari, dan tak pernah berhenti berlari

Memburu makna agar berarti

 

Kita semua mahluk – mahluk kesepian

Yang memakai topeng di keramaian

Agar terlihat memiliki kekuatan

Agar terlihat punya pedoman

Di dalam, kita meringis ketakutan

 

Kita semua mahluk – mahluk kesepian

Bertanya satu sama lain

Meragukan satu sama lain

Mencurigai satu sama lain

Dan berakhir sendirian

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Kita semua mahluk – mahluk kesepian

Tak punya pegangan

Tak punya pijakan

Hanya khayalan

From the desk of a depressed maniac, 2017

Bisa

Posted in Uncategorized on February 23, 2017 by enybodyhome

Raped. Stabbed. Hit. Fucked. Betrayed. Thrown away. Left behind. Ruined. Destroyed. Yelled. Scolded. Thrown to the street. Dumped like a garbage. Terrorized. Molested.  Underestimated. Insulted. 
Apaan yg gue belom pernah?

Almost nothing.
Dan mau jatoh sedalam apapun

Mau terkapar separah apapun

Mau luka fisik maupun mental
Ga ada yang bisa bikin gue kalah dan nyerah
I will survive i promise you.

Un-happy ending

Posted in Uncategorized on February 20, 2017 by enybodyhome

I dont believe in happy ending. Probably thats why, i dont like fairy tale stories like korean drama, twilight saga, or any kind of romantic  movies come from nicholas sparks novel.

My life has taught me, theres no such thing called happy ending. Thats why everytime i feel happy or too happy, theres some sense of alarm inside me remind myself not to be too happy. Because, no. You can not be happy. Thats not the ending. After the happiness that you are feeling, there will come sadness. It follows your happiness. No happiness will last forever, it has to be replaced with sadness soon or later. Eventually

I dont believe in happy ending. Thats why i grow up to be a cynical person who barely believes in love between man and woman. Just like happiness, there is no forever in the word love. It will eventually fade, end and gone. But thats what good from this part. Since its not forever, it will be replaced with a new love. So never tell that you couldnt live without someone.. you could. You’ll love again. Not just because your love or their love arent forever, but also because it is replacable

But i do believe. In tragedy. Life is tragedy. People constantly living their life without knowing anything. Without understand what is the goal. Is it heaven or hell? Or just fake happiness in this world. People staring blankly at night thinking of their problems wondering how they could get what they want, questioning how to solve their problems and how to ease their broken heart. A never ending cycle they have to live forever as long as they live.

But i do believe in comedy. Coz how else can we spend this tragedy called life, but by laughing it off like a comedy

Nothing cant be cured by dark black coffee

Posted in Uncategorized on February 10, 2017 by enybodyhome

Nggak ada yang gak bisa disembuhin oleh secangkir kopi hitam pahit.

Saat lo ngantuk parah, kopi  jadi sesuatu yang lo cari, dan most of the time bisa nyembuhin ngantuk lo

Saat lo sumpek di kantor akibat kerjaan, ngopi bisa jadi solusi

Saat lo butuh inspirasi waktu lagi ngerjain tugas, kopi bisa sangat membantu

Saat lo kangen sama temen – temen dan feel like want to hang out, ‘ngopi – ngopi’ bisa jadi undangan yang menggiurkan

Saat lo nungguin orang, ngopi bisa jadi alternatif

Saat lo punya kue, biskuit atau pisang goreng, kopi bisa jadi teman pendamping yang lezat

Yeah, ga harus hitam dan pahit memang. Jenis kopi nya absolutely terserah preferensi dan selera

images

Tapi di saat lo diingatkan sekali lagi oleh kenyataan hidup yang lumayan pahit, kopi hitam, pekat dan pahit sangat membantu. Kopi hitam pahit membantu mengingatkanlo bahwa dalam hidup, lo udah pernah ngalamin sesuatu yang lebih hitam, pekat, dan pahit dari apa yang lo alamin sekarang. Dan bahwa indeed, dalam hidup, you can never have everything.. So just shove it up in your ass, and clear your throath

superwhore

Posted in Uncategorized on February 7, 2017 by enybodyhome

So last night a friend recommended me a song. Katanya kayaknya gue suka

Biasanya gue apatis ya ama referensi lagu orang – orang, karena selera lagu gue sering ga sama ama selera lagu orang – orang kebanyakan. I mean come on, hari gini siapa si yang masi mewek dengerin lagu nya novia kolopaking, tapi juga bisa terdilo – dilo dengerin Epica?

Anyway, gue ga langsung buka link nya semalem, dan baru buka tadi pagi first thing in the morning, akibat masih ngantuk gila dan sakit kepala parah gegara tadi malem

And God forgives me for i think i have fallen in love with this band. Oh Epica, Pretty Reckless, im so sorry for betraying you guys, but i really – really do in love with this band the moment gue denger lagunya. Dan gilanya, hampir semua lagunya, enak – enak banget. Dari pagi sampe sekarang, gue sibuk aja ngeyutub lagu2 nya mereka  *Please dont tell my boss about it. Dan amazingly, video clip mereka gue banget. When i say ‘gue banget’ , pasti ngerti kan artinya? Dark, very dark, creepy and eerie..

So lagu pertama yang gue denger dari Band ini, judulnya “WHORE”. Gak ngerti juga sih kenapa out of all songs yang band ini punya, temen gue malah kirim yang judulnya “WHORE” Thanks dude, appreciated *lirik sinis ke yang ngirim

Video clipnya keren banget, musiknya gila asli im out of words describing the music, tapi yang paling ngena sih liriknya. Ntah kenapa rasanya krenyes krenyes di hati baca liriknya.

Jadi ya, selain setel lagu2 mereka yang lain, gue ngulang lagu ini dari tadi pagi, sampai post ini dibuat, kira – kira udah 20 kali lah.

Beginilah kira – kira liriknya.

 

‘m the girl you’ve been thinking about
The one thing you can’t live without
I’m the girl you’ve been waiting for
I’ll have you down on your knees, I’ll have you begging for more
You probably thought I wouldn’t get this far, you thought I’d end up in the back of a car
You probably thought that I’d never escape, I’d be a rat in a cage, I’d be a slave to this place
You don’t know how hard I fought to survive, waking up alone when I was left to die
You don’t know about this life I’ve led, all these roads I’ve walked, all these tears I’ve bled

So how can this be, you’re praying to me
There’s a look in your eyes, I know just what that means
I can be, I can be your everything

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner, I am your whore
But let me tell you something, baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

I’m the one that you need and fear, now that you’re hooked it’s all becoming clear
That all your judgments that you placed on me was a reflection of discovery
So maybe next time when you cast your stones from the shadows of the dark unknown
You will crawl up from your hiding place, take a look in the mirror, see the truth in your face

Gak tau ya, apakah temen gue kirim lagu ini karena judulnya, atau karena liriknya. Tapi kalo karena liriknya, thanks dude, sumpah ini menguatkan banget hahaha i feel like a superhero.. or is it  “SUPERWHORE”?capture

growing up..

Posted in Uncategorized on February 2, 2017 by enybodyhome

So yesterday while having breakfast with a friend, we got to  topic about age. Yes age, and suddenly questioned ourselves in a very shocking way, “WHAT?? We ‘re 35 already?!!!”

Yep, the horror look in our face, clearly said it all

Beneran ga nyangka umur kita berdua udah 35. How did we get here? How did we get to this number and didnt learn anything? How did we manage to survive until this number, and how can we survive any longer?

Sewaktu kecil, kita selalu ingin jadi cepet besar. I remember when i was 10, i had always fantasized on how i looked and what would i be when i reached 22. Di bayangan gue, gue akan jadi perempuan matang baru lulus kuliah, dan siap sedia terjun ke dunia kerja. Gue selalu bayangin gue bakal jadi perempuan tinggi langsing, berambut panjang berkaca mata, pakai baju bagus, dan melangkah pasti yakin akan bekerja di salah satu gedung besar di kawasan sudirman.

Usia 22 gue berlalu 13 tahun yang lalu. And as far as i remember, none of the fantasy above had become true when i was at age 22.

At age 22, im short, thin like a broom,  was in a very dysfunctional relationship with my abusive boyfriend who had always beaten me up and cheated with every girl he knew, got no job, and ran away from home. Totally far from what i had imagined

Anyway, in between my confusion, depression, and dysfunctional life, on my 22, i had fantasy about how my life would be if i reached 35.

Gue mikirnya, di usia 35 gue bkal hidup bahagia, punya rumah kecil lucu di pinggiran Jakarta, bareng suami (yang gue pikir adalah  my abusive boyfriend kala itu), punya dua anak cowok dan cewek, masih cakep – makin matang dan masih langsing, dan jadi penulis novel terkenal yang bijak dan dewasa.

But look at me now

Im 35, fat short and ugly like a short ogre, have been in so many complicated and frustrating relationship since i was 22, have a mediocre job with mediocre income, im miles away from becoming a writer, and got no cute lovely home at the suburb.

And guess what, i still dont know what to do with my  life, and got no clues or whatsoever on what i should do 90% of the times when dealing with problems. Boro – boro bijak dan dewasa, i cant even control my impulse and sex drive

Oh well, but like they said, pada intinya gada yang tahu apa yang sedang mereka lakukan juga. Growing up is just deciding everything based on your guts and hoping your decision will not lead you to disaster

and im a queen of disaster, so you could imagine how many bad decision i have made lah

Toh yang penting i have my two beautiful daughters whom i love very much and heiii I work in sudirman area now hahahahaa *like it matters aje kerja di sudirman :/

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revealing

Posted in Uncategorized on January 31, 2017 by enybodyhome

Ada bait dari salah satu karangan Sylvia Plath, yang gue suka banget. “After all, We are nothing more or less than what we choose to reveal..”

Orang melihat kita, mengenal kita, menilai kita, menganggap kita berdasarkan apa yang kita tunjukkan ke mereka. Apa yang mereka pikir, apa yang mereka lihat, apa  yang mereka kenal, apa yang mereka nilai, dan apa yang kita anggap dari kita, hanyalah bagian dari diri kita yang kita perlihatkan

Makanya suka heran sendiri, kalau ada orang yang dengan mudahnya menilai, menganggap, dan seolah – olah tahu segala hal tentang kita hanya berdasarkan informasi yang sedikit itu.

Tahu apa orang lain tentang diri kita sebenarnya, kalau yang kita tunjukkan hanya sebagian kecil, atau bahkan mungkin hanya topeng belaka

Tahu apa orang lain tentang ‘skeleton in our closets’, saat yang kita perlihatkan sehari – hari hanya sisi yang ingin kita perlihatkan?

Tahu apa orang lain tentang seberapa dalam gunung es, kalau yang mereka lihat bisa jadi cuma the top of the iceberg

Tapi kemudian apakah salah bila orang menilai, menganggap, dan berpikir sesuai dengan apa yang diperlihatkan? Why would you hide yourself and reveal only what you want to reveal then? Why dont you show it all to the world?

Jawabannya mungkin karena because ga pernah never..